Thursday, March 8, 2012

Conversations way up high

I can see why M is the way he is. He spends all of his time looking down at people from afar on top of buildings. He sees them but he isn't really a part of their lives or the things they do because he cant be. Not with the Slenderman followhing him. and now I'm the same way. Except we have each other which is at least nicer than no one. I used to prefer being alone and left to myself because then things were more normal. Being deaf I really like silence and conversation was something I never really became good with. So it just seemed more appropriate to stay by myself.

But now I can't imagine being by myself and not having anyone to talk to about this. I wonder how it must have felt to be M bbefore all this and it just seems like it would be so sad. We mostly wander around New York and sometimes go out to Manhattan Island because we don't see him much there. M's water theory seems like it might hold pretty true. It's so lonely just being disconnected from all these wonderful people around us that I wish there was more I could do for M before any of this began. Like if I could reach back in time and make him know that he is not alone now. That would be nice.

All I can do is talk to him though, so that's what I did last night.

"M will you please talk to me for a bit?" I asked.
He kind of shot me random glances after that and looked really angry every time. Except right before he said something back he looked less angry and more sad so I think he felt bad. "What do you want?"
"I just wanted to talk. I know you're sad about Zeke and I know you feel like its your faultk but it really isn't." I tried so hard to smile at him and I think he was going tosmile back. But instead he frowned, which made me more sad than it should have.
"i didn't fucking say it was my fault." He responded quietly. "I just said he didn't follow the rules, like no one fucking follows the goddamn rules, which is why I don't post lessons anymore. People still die. I can't help anyone."

He looked so very sad. I don't really know what I was thinking but the only thing that made sense was to hug him, so I did. We were up on top of a big fancy hotel. The sky was really orange like it had been painted that way by all the clouds and it was really windy. The weather in New York has been dreary lately. It's not cold enough for snow but sometimes there's rain. We were lucky enough last night to sleep outside because it was nice and you could see the clouds in the sky. I hugged him, standing neear the little door we'd come out of to get here, and I could actually feel him shaking underneath his hoodie. I felt so bad adn this is the type of thing that I mean when I say M is actually just really scared and sad. He's not mean like he seems on his blog. That's why it felt good to hug him and he didn't even push me away.

"You can help anyone you want to. I talk to so many people and all of them say youre an inspiration because you've lived so long. They say you must be doing something right!" I said and smiled. He kind of smiled back finally and we sat down against the wall of the rooftop doorway while still hugging.
"Thanks." He said.
"You're welcome dude."

We didn't talk much which was okay. It was nice just hugging while we sat there staring at the sky. I think the reason M gets so depressed all the time is because he doesn't really have many friends. He talks to people on the phone sometimes and occasionally gets letters. But most of the people he's met in real life are dead now or died while he was around. So he gets mad at me a lot because I don't think he wants me to be his friend. Which is totally understandable because he thinks I'lld ie. And most of you do too which is really kind of sad. I don't plan on dying any time soon guys!

"I don't fucking want to post lessons anymore. There aren't any more lessons." He finally replied after a few minutes of just hugging.
"Sure there are! Just the other day you were telling me why we couldn't ride the bus or the train anywhere very often, remember?" I said back. "You told me how it's safer to take a plane because then you're up high and it is harder for hi mto reach you! That made a lot of sense and I think people would still like to know about these things. Plus people like talking to you because you're practical and give lots of good advice."
M actually laughed. It was a really sweet sound because he doesn't do that very often and he's actually got a pretty high and soft voice. His laugh is just like that, high and soft and sweet.
"Dude you're a goddamn idiot. My advice is common fucking sense!"
"Gosh. But a lot of people are lacking in that on those blogs!" I laughed along with him.
"You're damn fucking right they are." Then we laughed for a while together for a while.

Eventually he shrugged and got up to stare down at all the people below us again. In New York there are always people walking around no matter how late at night it is. Thats probably pretty obvious and it's kind of stupid of me to tell you that though isn;t it? haha

"Maybe." He said and I answered back with "Maybe what?"
"Maybe I'll have you post some of my shitty stories on the blog. I'm like a crotchety old man recouting tales of his youth to the stupid little fucks he calls grandchildren!"
I grinned and told him that would be cool and then we drifted off to talking about other things. I went to bed happy last night just because of that conversation though. And I had a funny dream about flying up over the ocean and looking down at all the people who were walking around on sidewalks that had "grown" out of the water. When I looked to my right there was a forest, and when I looked to my left M was there grabbing my hand and dragging me towards a light and away from the forest. It was interesting and I woke up this morning feeling good because of it.

Although I also woke up to find that I got rained on overnight so that was less good.

I think I write these posts late at night because then I get to think about a lot of things. M wants to go to sleep now though so I'm going to shut the laptop off and sleep as well. If I don't he'll complain about the keyboard tapping and glare at me until I sleep anyway. So I'll write more tomorrow! Everyone stay safe!


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I'm as bad as he is

Gosh. It's been a really long time since I've posted anything here. An entire month has passed and I feel really badly for letting you guys wait that long without any updates. I know how you guys worry. but things have been really hectic for M and i and so its been hard to get anything done online. I havent even talked to any of you in like forever. I'm so sorry.

But now is as good a time as any to reach out I think because M isnt talking to me right now. He hasn't said a word since I told him Zeke died. We had one conversation after I found out andthat was it. It was after we watched the video and then for a few minutes we were just really quiet.

"Zeke is dead." He said really flatly like he didn't know how to feel. I think he was trying not to show anything but I could tell he was shaking and I just really wanted to hug him. "Fucking Zeke is fucking dead. Holy shit."
"I'm so sorry M. he obviously went peacefully at least right?" I said back and I think that made him mad because then he just glared at me.
"Peacefully? He never fucking followed the rules and that's why he's dead! Are you shitting me dude? You saw the video Slenderman dragged him the fuck off! That's not peacefully!" And then he walked away from me to go stare out atNew York because we were on top of a really tall parking garage.
"Gosh dude don't yell. It'll be okay." I walked over to him and tried to put my hand on his shoulder and see his lips so I could read them if he answered.
"Fuck off."
"No no really," I said back. "I know you looked up to him and I thought he was really amazing too. But you're still here and you can still honor him by telling people all those rules that help so much! We've barely seen him this month because of your help!"

He got really quiet and I wanted to know what he was thinking but I was afraid to ask. When he scowls like that, a dimple goes right between his eyebrows in the middle. He kind of has an upward curl to his lips that I've noticed that makes him look like he's smiling, even when he's pissed off. I just wanted to know how he felt but he shook his head and tossed his hair back and seemed annoyed at me.

"What's the point of telling people the rules if they just break them and die? I don't fucking help anyone." He looked at me for a minute and then looked down at the ground below us, so far away.
"You helped me. I'm alive because of you dude. You actually saved my life when I could have died. Gosh I'm sorry you feel so bad M." I said.
Then he didn't respond but he looked back up at me like he was confused. I think he's not used to actually making a difference and the fact of the matter is he really did save my life when Slenderman showed up. I know you guys think this is all his faul tbut I was the one who took him into my apartment with my roommates because I wanted to help. I swore to help people who needed it in Chiago and that really hasn't changed now. I just want to help you guys more instead now. I don't know how to do that, but maybe M does. He still has his rules and I think I want to convince him to start posting them again.

Or at least letting me post them or something.

But I don't know how to bring it up. He's been really quiet since that conversation, and we haven't moved as much as we probably should. I think he's depressed or something which makes me sad. I keep catching him looking at me when I turn around with that really confused look on his face. It's kind of funny actually but I wish I knew what he was thinking.

I'm going to try to talk to him later tonight and see what he says. If I can get him to talk I'll post about it tomorrow. If not I'll probably just post about how sad I am again haha


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Good Ol' Days

So I know this is a kind of late post today. A really late post today. but Ive been down today and not really felt like getting on the internet until now because some things have been going on. M and I talked a lot today and I asked him about the fact that I can hear It. He said I was the only kid he'd ever met who was like that where my dbeing deaf didn't affect the fact that I could hear It when it was nearby.

We've been using me as a warnin gsign of when to run.

I don't really know how to describe the sound of its voice. Whenever It's around I hear this dry, scratchy sound that is almost like what I imagine a radio sound to be. I don't know. It's so hard to put into terms that make sense for me and it freaks me out a lot. When most people hear things does it feel like your whole head is vibrating? Because that is kind of what it's like for me and I don't know how to put it into words. it's dark and scary and it tells me things that I don't understand because I've never heard the words out loud. I told M the sounds I'd heard and he just looked at me all wide eyed and then shook his head.

"Don't listen," he said. "Whatever you do just don't fucking listen. He's trying to get in your brain and I don't want that."
I thought it was odd at the time that he said I don't want that because I don't know if he really cares that I'm around at all. I mean, he stayed with me all that time in my house so I think that counts for something. But I don't really understand why and  Ithink maybe he feels bad for me and that is why he's staying around. Maybe.....he blames himself for me being chased by Slenderman too? Do you guys think that is something M would do?

I don't blame him.

I wanted to help and if I didn't I would never have brought him home. Even when I read the story and thought it was fake, I knew he was a nice kid who deserved help even if he wasn't telling me everything about James and all of that. Even so I wish I could go home and sleep in a bed. My back hurts and the weather seems colder for the fact that we don't have a proper place to stay. Even though it's an incredibly mild winter it's been bad for us. We need to get new clothes and I'm trying to convince M to go to a store with me soon. I miss the good old days at home when I would make him soup and try to convince him to come inside which he rarely ever did.

There were a few times though.

I guess right now there's nothing much to report and I'm basically just using this blog to vent emotional stress. I'm going to log off now and try to sleep because M is looking at me funny and I don't want to make him mad. It rained tonight and we got to watch it from inside a building for once! it was nice and peaceful and I think even M calmed down because we sat and watched for a while, not talking.

Thanks for listening and stuff.


Monday, January 30, 2012


So Id meant to get a post up every single day for you guys but that obiously hasn't happened and I'm sorry for that. M doesn't really like it very muchwhen I get on my laptop but I've been talking to people like Elaine and sShaun to make myself feel better so I'm glad i brought it with me. Shaun mostly told me to keep M safe and thats what I've been trying to do as much as I can. Elaine and I talked about a lot of different stuff. But that is mostly why I haven't posted anything this past week and I'm really sorry to all of you for that. I promise I'll do better from now on.

We're currently in new York obviously. We got here a few days ago after selling my car for plane tickets which was actually a good idea that Elaine had. I wanted to keepthe car but M thought it would be best if we didn't have it weighing us down because we'd have to spend more time on the ground driving it. Being up high is important he says, even if not everyone agrees.

I looked around and saw that it doesn't work for a lot of people. When I asked M he said that it only works most of the time and that not all of his rules are concrete. That's why you have to keep running, because you don't want to be around when the rules stop working and the Keep Running Rule is the only one that seems to work across the board for everyone.  Anyway since we moved to New York I haven't seen him at all while we've been up on roof tops and in people's houses. I don't particularly like breaking into places but M says its a necessity during the winter time because we can't go to hotels. I talked to him about this last night.
"Why?" I asked.
"because being in buildings isn't a fucking good idea most of the time." He answered, and he was glaring a me the whole time. "You can't escape very easily because there's only one way out and that's down. and down is dangerous."

Snow was falling all around and even though it was bitterly cold and I had to squint I could see M's face clearly. He doesn't talk about his appearance much but if I could I would paint him because I think he's a really interesting portrait. I don't think he;s had a hair cut in a long time so his hair is down around his shoulders and makes his face look even more soft than it already is. Even when he's angry, which is a lot, he looks very gentle and I thought hewas a girl when I first saw him in the library. And he's still wearing the green notre Dame hoodie I gave him.

"What?" He snapped because I was staring at him too long.
"Nothing," I said. "I wont ask about hotels anymore is all."

That was the end of that conversation and I feel like i messed up and made him mad. Gosh, has he ever had anyone run with him before? I don't think he knows how to talk to people so if anyone knows what I can do to cheer him up that'd be really great if you'll let me know. This post doesn't really have much point but I just wanted to let you guys know we're bothstill okay. I'll post more tomorrow with anything that happens.


Monday, January 16, 2012

cold on the roof (part 2)

So M hasn't posted anything on his blog or commented on anything in a long while andI feel like I ow e it to you guys sort of to post something about what is going on with us now.

Like i said before we're on the run together now. This Slenderman stuff is scary and I don't know why I can hear It but so far that has been a pretty good indicator of when It is nearby so we have to move. Mostly we just move around in big cities and if it gets too dangerous we just move on. Since the winter has finally gotten cold and snow has been falling its been really bad sleeping on rooftops. but that's what M says we have to do and I tend to trust him since he knows what he's doing and so many of you guys apparently look up to him. He also says it isn't safe to be blogging and he's kinda mad at me for posting these things but I think it's important.

I don't know why he thinks it isn't safe to be blogging anymore. I asked him and he just looked at me for a moment with this really intense and angry glare. like usually he says stuff or gives me a really weird explanation but I think somehow I made him sad and that made me feel bad. So I dropped it because sometimes I am kinda spineless.
 I think we'll be catching a plane to NYC soon. That's what M said anyway because he thinks it's a safe place. I'm not so sure, but I guess if we can find warmer places to sleep then that will be nice. Because all we have is a spare blanket from my car and that's not very good for keeping warm. Hopefully things get better soon.

I really don't like this. I'm cold and scared.


P.S.- also I forgot to put links in my last post and I'msorry for that. I think most people who read this know who M is anyway but for those of you who don't the links might help and you should look at M's rules. He's really really smart.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Starting out

So it's snowing outside the car and I feel like now would be a good time to sit down and write this post before we drive and I lose wifi access again. I really don't even know where to begin I mean I have so much to say and I'm so scared right now that its sortahard to think. I guess I'll sorta from the beginning and try to calm down while i write though I dont know how much good that will do.

That kid Shaun showed up at my house a few weeks ago to talk with M. the minute he showed up he and M were always yelling at each other but then they would like make up and seem better so it was okay. I remember the first day he got here I asked him what he thought of the place.
"It's not really tall enough for the great and mighty M, don't you think?" he said but I think that was a joke because then he grinned sort of sarcastically. I'm not gonna lie the guy was sort of creepy but that was because he had these really searching eyes, like he was always expecting someone or something to jump out of a bush and attack him.

So we kept him in the house for almost three weeks. During that time I don't think he or M were really very happy. M yelled at him a lot about this girl named Elaine and that made Shaun really mad so he yelled back about that girl Beth. I guess M and Beth were friends at some point? I read her blog it wasn't that good.

But I guess it doesn't have to be because it's all real which is the second part of the story I have to tell and that's the scariest thing.

Before Shaun left, he told me he wanted me to help M out.
"Take care of him," He said. "He really needs someone to help convince him that people are good for something other than dying."
Which is I thinka kind of weird thing to say but then having seeing what I've seen of M its probably pretty accurate.

After that things were quiet for a week. M didn't talk much except to say he was sorry for the yelling and that maybe it was time to think about leaving soon. That made me kind of sad because he'd been in my house so long I had kind of gotten used to him being around and the thought of him going upset me a lot. I mean I knew he was going to have to at some point since he wasn't paying rent but I hoped he'd stay longer until he could get back on his feet.
I asked if maybe we could keep in touch.
"No," he said. "That wouldn't be safe."

What happened after that was the next night. I came home from the library and put my bag down and called for my roommate and nobody came. Which was odd because someone was usually around by that time at night and they would have ordinarily come and greeted me. So I put my things down and went to look for someone, and then I guess I ... it's really hard to explain but I think I heard something talking to me. Like for anyone who doesn't know about me Im deaf  so this is a strange thing to explain and I don't know where to begin. It was this sort of dry, scratchy sound saying words I didn't know very well and without vibration. By this time I was really freaked out so I went into the living room totry and find someone and I did find someone but I wish I hadn't.

there was blood all over. I mean like all over the place not just kind of on things. On the TV and on the couch and on the table and on the floor and the ceiling and the walls. I don't think I've ever seen that much blood in my life and I lived in Chicago. It was all over everything and there were little bits of what looked like skin that I really don't like thinking about. The voice that I heard got bigger I think because there was more intense vibration and by that time I had noticed Brandon's body on one side of the room, and Megan's  on the other. Except Brandon wasn't a body, Brandon was moving.

I ran over to him and found that he was bleeding really bad and that what looked like his intestines were hanging out. A lot of what happened next is a blur because I was so freaked out from the sight of so much blood that I tried talking to Brandon even though I knew he couldn't speak. He was mumbling a lot and I could read his lips but I don't think he was saying anything coherent. That was when two things happened.

First: M showed up. He ran into the room and started yelling things at me about moving and not being a fucking idiot and wasting anymore time. I told him we had to get Brandon to a hospital.
"No you fucking moron!" He shouted."he's dead already we have to go!"
I was so scared and about to respond but that was when the second thing happened.

It showed up.

That thing, the Slenderman, whatever it is, It sort of stepped down out of my roommates bedroom door from the left side of the room. For a moment it looked like it was hunched over to fit through the door, and then it stood up and I don't think I've seen anything that tall in my life. The voice I was hearing got so loud that it hurt and I couldn't feel or move at all. All I couldsee was that thing standing there in the doorway covered in blood I think. It looked at me even though it doesn't have eyes.And I don't know what It said but It spoke to me.

After that I think M must have dashed across the room to grab me. He was pulling me by the arm down the hallway and away from the Slenderman and we both made a pretty mad rush for my car. He was screaming the whole time about how he had been stupid and how he should have left with Shaun. I guess he was mad at himself for staying around but honestly I don't know what good it would havedone. According to all of you this was going to happen anyway from the moment I pick M up.

But he cursed and told me he shouldn't have done something bad like that to me. He said he was sorry and hen drove us away from my house and my life because I was too scared to see straight. But I don't think he was really very good at driving because we swerved a lot. Then again, maybe he was as scared as me.

We drove for a few miles until we were in some small town just outside of Chicago, and that's where we've stopped now for the night. I think we're planning on catching a plane to somewhere like New York because M says we need to stay up high. I guess now that I know all of this is real I believe him. I trust him. But I just don't know what to do right now other than write this post while sitting in the front of my car. M is asleep in the backseat, though I think he's having a nightmare. He keeps rolling over and mumbling. So I put a blanket from my trunk on him to keep him warm. I've been watching the snow fall for the last few hours while he sleeps.

Gosh that's a lot of writing, but I guess I can see why people do this now, because I think I'm a lot more calm now than I was before. I'm still trying to sort all of this out in my head but it's tough. I didn't know before that all of this was real. I sure feel stupid for thinking it was. I thought this was a game like the seedeater stuff but I was wrong.
and now M and I are on the run together. At least I'm not alone or dead.