I'm as bad as he is

Gosh. It's been a really long time since I've posted anything here. An entire month has passed and I feel really badly for letting you guys wait that long without any updates. I know how you guys worry. but things have been really hectic for M and i and so its been hard to get anything done online. I havent even talked to any of you in like forever. I'm so sorry.

But now is as good a time as any to reach out I think because M isnt talking to me right now. He hasn't said a word since I told him Zeke died. We had one conversation after I found out andthat was it. It was after we watched the video and then for a few minutes we were just really quiet.

"Zeke is dead." He said really flatly like he didn't know how to feel. I think he was trying not to show anything but I could tell he was shaking and I just really wanted to hug him. "Fucking Zeke is fucking dead. Holy shit."
"I'm so sorry M. he obviously went peacefully at least right?" I said back and I think that made him mad because then he just glared at me.
"Peacefully? He never fucking followed the rules and that's why he's dead! Are you shitting me dude? You saw the video Slenderman dragged him the fuck off! That's not peacefully!" And then he walked away from me to go stare out atNew York because we were on top of a really tall parking garage.
"Gosh dude don't yell. It'll be okay." I walked over to him and tried to put my hand on his shoulder and see his lips so I could read them if he answered.
"Fuck off."
"No no really," I said back. "I know you looked up to him and I thought he was really amazing too. But you're still here and you can still honor him by telling people all those rules that help so much! We've barely seen him this month because of your help!"

He got really quiet and I wanted to know what he was thinking but I was afraid to ask. When he scowls like that, a dimple goes right between his eyebrows in the middle. He kind of has an upward curl to his lips that I've noticed that makes him look like he's smiling, even when he's pissed off. I just wanted to know how he felt but he shook his head and tossed his hair back and seemed annoyed at me.

"What's the point of telling people the rules if they just break them and die? I don't fucking help anyone." He looked at me for a minute and then looked down at the ground below us, so far away.
"You helped me. I'm alive because of you dude. You actually saved my life when I could have died. Gosh I'm sorry you feel so bad M." I said.
Then he didn't respond but he looked back up at me like he was confused. I think he's not used to actually making a difference and the fact of the matter is he really did save my life when Slenderman showed up. I know you guys think this is all his faul tbut I was the one who took him into my apartment with my roommates because I wanted to help. I swore to help people who needed it in Chiago and that really hasn't changed now. I just want to help you guys more instead now. I don't know how to do that, but maybe M does. He still has his rules and I think I want to convince him to start posting them again.

Or at least letting me post them or something.

But I don't know how to bring it up. He's been really quiet since that conversation, and we haven't moved as much as we probably should. I think he's depressed or something which makes me sad. I keep catching him looking at me when I turn around with that really confused look on his face. It's kind of funny actually but I wish I knew what he was thinking.

I'm going to try to talk to him later tonight and see what he says. If I can get him to talk I'll post about it tomorrow. If not I'll probably just post about how sad I am again haha

-Bondie