Thursday, March 8, 2012

Conversations way up high

I can see why M is the way he is. He spends all of his time looking down at people from afar on top of buildings. He sees them but he isn't really a part of their lives or the things they do because he cant be. Not with the Slenderman followhing him. and now I'm the same way. Except we have each other which is at least nicer than no one. I used to prefer being alone and left to myself because then things were more normal. Being deaf I really like silence and conversation was something I never really became good with. So it just seemed more appropriate to stay by myself.

But now I can't imagine being by myself and not having anyone to talk to about this. I wonder how it must have felt to be M bbefore all this and it just seems like it would be so sad. We mostly wander around New York and sometimes go out to Manhattan Island because we don't see him much there. M's water theory seems like it might hold pretty true. It's so lonely just being disconnected from all these wonderful people around us that I wish there was more I could do for M before any of this began. Like if I could reach back in time and make him know that he is not alone now. That would be nice.

All I can do is talk to him though, so that's what I did last night.

"M will you please talk to me for a bit?" I asked.
He kind of shot me random glances after that and looked really angry every time. Except right before he said something back he looked less angry and more sad so I think he felt bad. "What do you want?"
"I just wanted to talk. I know you're sad about Zeke and I know you feel like its your faultk but it really isn't." I tried so hard to smile at him and I think he was going tosmile back. But instead he frowned, which made me more sad than it should have.
"i didn't fucking say it was my fault." He responded quietly. "I just said he didn't follow the rules, like no one fucking follows the goddamn rules, which is why I don't post lessons anymore. People still die. I can't help anyone."

He looked so very sad. I don't really know what I was thinking but the only thing that made sense was to hug him, so I did. We were up on top of a big fancy hotel. The sky was really orange like it had been painted that way by all the clouds and it was really windy. The weather in New York has been dreary lately. It's not cold enough for snow but sometimes there's rain. We were lucky enough last night to sleep outside because it was nice and you could see the clouds in the sky. I hugged him, standing neear the little door we'd come out of to get here, and I could actually feel him shaking underneath his hoodie. I felt so bad adn this is the type of thing that I mean when I say M is actually just really scared and sad. He's not mean like he seems on his blog. That's why it felt good to hug him and he didn't even push me away.

"You can help anyone you want to. I talk to so many people and all of them say youre an inspiration because you've lived so long. They say you must be doing something right!" I said and smiled. He kind of smiled back finally and we sat down against the wall of the rooftop doorway while still hugging.
"Thanks." He said.
"You're welcome dude."

We didn't talk much which was okay. It was nice just hugging while we sat there staring at the sky. I think the reason M gets so depressed all the time is because he doesn't really have many friends. He talks to people on the phone sometimes and occasionally gets letters. But most of the people he's met in real life are dead now or died while he was around. So he gets mad at me a lot because I don't think he wants me to be his friend. Which is totally understandable because he thinks I'lld ie. And most of you do too which is really kind of sad. I don't plan on dying any time soon guys!

"I don't fucking want to post lessons anymore. There aren't any more lessons." He finally replied after a few minutes of just hugging.
"Sure there are! Just the other day you were telling me why we couldn't ride the bus or the train anywhere very often, remember?" I said back. "You told me how it's safer to take a plane because then you're up high and it is harder for hi mto reach you! That made a lot of sense and I think people would still like to know about these things. Plus people like talking to you because you're practical and give lots of good advice."
M actually laughed. It was a really sweet sound because he doesn't do that very often and he's actually got a pretty high and soft voice. His laugh is just like that, high and soft and sweet.
"Dude you're a goddamn idiot. My advice is common fucking sense!"
"Gosh. But a lot of people are lacking in that on those blogs!" I laughed along with him.
"You're damn fucking right they are." Then we laughed for a while together for a while.

Eventually he shrugged and got up to stare down at all the people below us again. In New York there are always people walking around no matter how late at night it is. Thats probably pretty obvious and it's kind of stupid of me to tell you that though isn;t it? haha

"Maybe." He said and I answered back with "Maybe what?"
"Maybe I'll have you post some of my shitty stories on the blog. I'm like a crotchety old man recouting tales of his youth to the stupid little fucks he calls grandchildren!"
I grinned and told him that would be cool and then we drifted off to talking about other things. I went to bed happy last night just because of that conversation though. And I had a funny dream about flying up over the ocean and looking down at all the people who were walking around on sidewalks that had "grown" out of the water. When I looked to my right there was a forest, and when I looked to my left M was there grabbing my hand and dragging me towards a light and away from the forest. It was interesting and I woke up this morning feeling good because of it.

Although I also woke up to find that I got rained on overnight so that was less good.

I think I write these posts late at night because then I get to think about a lot of things. M wants to go to sleep now though so I'm going to shut the laptop off and sleep as well. If I don't he'll complain about the keyboard tapping and glare at me until I sleep anyway. So I'll write more tomorrow! Everyone stay safe!


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I'm as bad as he is

Gosh. It's been a really long time since I've posted anything here. An entire month has passed and I feel really badly for letting you guys wait that long without any updates. I know how you guys worry. but things have been really hectic for M and i and so its been hard to get anything done online. I havent even talked to any of you in like forever. I'm so sorry.

But now is as good a time as any to reach out I think because M isnt talking to me right now. He hasn't said a word since I told him Zeke died. We had one conversation after I found out andthat was it. It was after we watched the video and then for a few minutes we were just really quiet.

"Zeke is dead." He said really flatly like he didn't know how to feel. I think he was trying not to show anything but I could tell he was shaking and I just really wanted to hug him. "Fucking Zeke is fucking dead. Holy shit."
"I'm so sorry M. he obviously went peacefully at least right?" I said back and I think that made him mad because then he just glared at me.
"Peacefully? He never fucking followed the rules and that's why he's dead! Are you shitting me dude? You saw the video Slenderman dragged him the fuck off! That's not peacefully!" And then he walked away from me to go stare out atNew York because we were on top of a really tall parking garage.
"Gosh dude don't yell. It'll be okay." I walked over to him and tried to put my hand on his shoulder and see his lips so I could read them if he answered.
"Fuck off."
"No no really," I said back. "I know you looked up to him and I thought he was really amazing too. But you're still here and you can still honor him by telling people all those rules that help so much! We've barely seen him this month because of your help!"

He got really quiet and I wanted to know what he was thinking but I was afraid to ask. When he scowls like that, a dimple goes right between his eyebrows in the middle. He kind of has an upward curl to his lips that I've noticed that makes him look like he's smiling, even when he's pissed off. I just wanted to know how he felt but he shook his head and tossed his hair back and seemed annoyed at me.

"What's the point of telling people the rules if they just break them and die? I don't fucking help anyone." He looked at me for a minute and then looked down at the ground below us, so far away.
"You helped me. I'm alive because of you dude. You actually saved my life when I could have died. Gosh I'm sorry you feel so bad M." I said.
Then he didn't respond but he looked back up at me like he was confused. I think he's not used to actually making a difference and the fact of the matter is he really did save my life when Slenderman showed up. I know you guys think this is all his faul tbut I was the one who took him into my apartment with my roommates because I wanted to help. I swore to help people who needed it in Chiago and that really hasn't changed now. I just want to help you guys more instead now. I don't know how to do that, but maybe M does. He still has his rules and I think I want to convince him to start posting them again.

Or at least letting me post them or something.

But I don't know how to bring it up. He's been really quiet since that conversation, and we haven't moved as much as we probably should. I think he's depressed or something which makes me sad. I keep catching him looking at me when I turn around with that really confused look on his face. It's kind of funny actually but I wish I knew what he was thinking.

I'm going to try to talk to him later tonight and see what he says. If I can get him to talk I'll post about it tomorrow. If not I'll probably just post about how sad I am again haha